I’ll admit it right up front – I’m conflict avoidant. I’m often the peacemaker in the group, and a great collaborator, with a truck full of “people skills”. I’m patient to a fault. But what I gain in “niceness” by putting other’s needs first, finding common ground, (while too often saying “ok” when I mean “NO!”), I lose in authority over my own life and career.
I’m not alone. Conflict avoidance has cost us personally and culturally. And it has provided a winner-takes-all mentality among the few who thrive on conflict… plaguing us with bullies in the media, in our workspaces, in our families. This power-over rhetoric is presented to us as the only alternative to conflict avoidance, and wiser voices, the rational, reasoned, informed viewpoints, fade into the woodwork. This is not helpful for any of us, either in our political landscape, our careers, or at home. We know there is a middle ground somewhere that is more productive, but unless the stars align and we get lucky, those conversations don’t happen on their own, and many of us just don’t talk about uncomfortable topics. Ever. We put on our “tolerance face”, we get passive aggressive, we build in work-arounds, or we find a way to permanently remove ourselves from the person, job, marriage, family. Sometimes that’s the only solution.
But what about those other times when, with an intentional conversation and the goal of constructive consensus…the problem could have been resolved in a way that satisfied everyone?
This is not a plug for conflict mediation, though the people who take on that work are largely devoted, under appreciated and underpaid for what they do. In this post though, I would like to enlarge the alternative possibilities to one where we can all participate…in the creative, productive world of Games.
I love board games – the structure, the challenges, the competition….. The good ones are almost like reading a science fiction novel; with rules and pathways, obstacles and alliances that create a singular world within the confines of the board – and deeply invested in by the players. Some of my best family memories, and maybe yours too, involve games: my mother-in-law gleefully beat us all at Scrabble six months before she passed away, my grandpa, who at age 16 was playing poker for the House (!), loved a spirited game of Chinese checkers, chess, and of course, poker. My truculent teenager can still be enticed into a game of Apples to Apples or Uno.
“OK. So what?” You might be thinking. Games are great for fun with the family, and maybe in a team training to get people to know each other better. But games to handle conflict or entrenched resistance to change? Not so much.
But here’s the thing….. Learning happens through games. Yes, even for grownups. And how better to shift intractable positions in an argument than to create a game context within which habitual opinions, attitudes, and assumptions can be analyzed and even shifted, creating junctures where participants can authentically view their own assumptions and styles, ultimately moving the group towards the Holy Grail….Consensus!
I’ve put together a game on this premise. Its working copyrighted title is Shift/POV, and I’m excited about creating small test demos to tweak it and ramp up its effectiveness. We’ve all been braying at each other and it hasn’t worked. This. Just. Might….